Dreams

After waking up early again as usual.... I started to remember a dream I had only moments before...Unfortunatly this was a bad dream..Then I started to think about dreams in general...I find it crazy when you actually feel such powerful emotion in a dream like state...The feelings you have when your awake can seem so real when your dreaming.Then I started thinking about what actually sticks in your head long enough that can actually show up to you on a subconcious level.....To answer my own question I believe the experience you have in your dreams are so many things....The people you have met,the things you have experienced,your greatest hopes, and your greatest fears..I don't know thats just my opinion. How do you feel?

Epiphany

Today was emotionally exhausting in a way. Ive wanted to go see my mom at the cemetery for a week now, but when I woke up this morning I knew this would be the day that I was going to go. The drive there gave me plenty of time to think (as if I don't over think things enough already).I have been feeling kinda of different lately like kind of up in arms with how things in my life actually are right now. I get to the cemetery and make the walk to her plot and almost immediately after I see her tombstone the tears start coming out. This is where the epiphany kicks in as Im standing over her grave I start thinking about all stuff I've endured in my life and realized that I've been through so much in the past 30 years, but in the end I've always ended up succeeding, and look I'm still here. When I was born the doctors told my parents that there was a large chance I wouldnt live to be two years old....When I was in 8th grade I was diagnosed with a type of cancer that was unknown to be carried by children....Then almost 4 years ago I lost my mom to cancer even though I still miss her everyday I've been able to carry on...All these things could have killed me...but guess what? They didn't and now that I have realized that I'm going to take steps to try and remember this on a daily basis. 

This is the realest thing I ever wrote

This is the first blogger post ive ever wrote.....i started this account in January but i have not felt the need to till now. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and wonder why I should even get out of bed. I feel like the excitement and optimism I have obtained over the last few years has escaped me lately. I go to bed alone, i wake up alone...and the cycle continues daily till ive turned into this person who feels emotionally numb most of the time. Don't get me wrong I enjoy the company of the friends I hang with on a regular basis, but I just feel like somethings missing....I was never really one for the whole "game" of trying to date someone.....maybe its because i respect and love realness....I would rather know the truth about something or someones true feeling than the whole cat and mouse game that dating has become in this day and age. The other problem I find with the whole "game" is I feel that everybody these days has an image in their head of the type of person they are attracted to....and unfortunately i never really seem to fit this.....See the thing is with me i never really have what you would call a "type" almost every girl i ever liked in my life was different from the one before....I fall for personality because to me the way a person is on the inside totally affects their attractiveness on the outside...there have been many times when ill be around a group of guys that say..."oh so and so is soooo hot" and i totally disagree with them....why you ask? well thats simple when i actually sat down to talk to the same girl she came off conceded and stuck up....2 qualities that i do not admire what so ever. That is the reason why I did'nt find her attractive because to me being completely ugly on the inside is the worst quality somebody could have in my eyes. Maybe this is because I'm the type of guy that will lay everything on the line with no tricks....and I wear my heart on my sleeve no matter what ....even when it gets knocked to the floor and smashed into a million pieces I have always had the ability to pick it up glue all the pieces together and put it right back on my sleeve till the next time....I really hope this all makes sense and does not sound like random babbling .....because I know it def. came from the heart.!